*NSync Mania


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*To the tune of Baz Luhrman's "Everybodys Free (To Wear Sunscreen)*
Ladies and gentlemen who appreciate boybands

Love *N Sync.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future *N Sync would be it.

The long term benefits of *N Sync have been proved by billboard charts and ticket sales whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of Chris Kirkpatrick

Oh, nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of Chris Kirkpatrick until you are older, but trust me, in 5 years you'll look back at photos of him and recall in a way you can't grasp now how sexy those braids really were and how fabulous he really looked in those red shorts girl.

Joey is NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about their futures, or worry but know that worrying is as effective as trying to convince Justin that he's really white.

The real troubles in their careers are bound to be things that never crossed your worried teeny mind. The kind that require penicilin or send them to rehab clinics when all is said and done. D

o one thing everyday that SCARES your parents.

Lip Sync

Don't be reckless with other people's *N Sync addictions, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss like JC

Don't waste your time being jealous of Britney. It's all for publicity anyways.

Some of us get close, some of us will have nosebleed seats, the tours are long and in the end, you'll probably never meet them anyway.

Remember the people who compliment *N Sync.

Forget the haters.

If you succeed in doing this without yelling obscenities in their direction, tell me how.

Keep your old fan letters, throw away your parent's credit card statements.

Stretch (before dancing to the album).

Don't feel guilty if you like the BSB a little bit. The most interesting people I know had diverse tastes in music at 16. Some of the most interesting 27 year olds I know also listen to Ozzy Osbourne.

Guys, get plenty of calcium.

And be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe they'll have girlfriends. Maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have another #1 album. Maybe they won't. Maybe they'll break up at 40. Maybe they'll dance the funky chicken on their 25th anniversary tour.

Whatever they do, don't congratulate them too much or berate them either.

Their chances are half chance, so are everybody elses.

Enjoy Justin's body. Look at it every chance you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument he'll ever own.


Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own *N Sync covered bedroom.

Read the liner notes, even if you don't get what they say.


Get to know their band members, you never know when they'll be gone for good. (Bye DAX!)

Be nice to their siblings, they're your best chance at getting closer to the band and the people you are most likely to meet anyway. (i'm saying.. wassup)

Understand that fellow *N Sync fans come and go, but the precious few you really should hold on to cause those will be the friend's for life.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more possible it will be to move to Florida and try to get to know them.

Live in Florida once but leave before Justin's mom tries to make you a member of Innosense. Live in Mississippi but leave before it becomes your excuse for everything that you do.


Accept certain inalienable truths:

Ticket prices will rise. Joey will philander. Justin will also get old.

And when he does you will fantasize that when he was young ticket prices were reasonable, Joey was a good boy, and Justin would have really married you.

You will not marry a member of *N Sync.

Don't expect anyone else to support them.

Maybe they'll get a new contract, maybe they'll go independent, but you never know when either one might go bust.

Boys, don't mess too much with your hair. Or by the time you are 40 it will look 85.

Be careful what merchandise you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Merchandise is a form of nostalgia.

Keeping it is a way of fishing your boyband past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the embarrassing parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the 'N Sync thing.